Above - Justine Jamieson and Jimmy Jamieson (we have a beautiful sister too but we’ll leave her out of this blog).
Within each of us there is a masculine (yang) and feminine (yin) part. Where we sit naturally on the scale is unique to the individual. Different circumstances can bring us into an imbalance within – this can cause dis-ease in the mind and body. If we begin to perceive from our true state of awareness – our authentic self – we learn to find balance in the world within and around us.
I’ve had an anxious feeling rolling like rocks in my stomach this week. I’ve also felt rigid in my lower spine. I knew that the masculine part of myself has been coming up for an awareness shift. This was triggered by old-school thinkers with their unconscious racist and sexist comments. Chauvinistic behaviour is my Achilles' heel and if I don’t say something it burns like fire inside me. This time the hate language physically blocked my ears. This behaviour shot me into my unbalanced masculine.
The masculine side of myself drives, organises, pushes, defends, is impatient, bossy and just gets shit done really. It teeters between efficient and obsessive, between being a motivator and a controller. It wasn’t until this weekend that I could sit with what was really going on and broaden my perceptions. My awareness began not from my daily meditations but from looking at a photo of my granddad as a young man. This turned into an energetic hug from him in spirit, followed by one from my other granddad. My father who passed away many years ago was also there. Moments after I answered a video call from my big brother. I haven’t talked to him for a very long time and I've missed him.
My ‘masculine’ side used to be a place where I unconsciously sat most of my life, well, not really ‘sat’, more-so ran. It’s not an authentic state of being for me and therefore created dis-ease and imbalance in my physical body as well as with my emotions. It’s a state which is celebrated in the corporate world, because in it, we don’t piss-about. It’s authorative, organised, results-focused, it drives for money and it makes us skip tea breaks. I can be overly masculine for long periods of time without getting too stressed, but there comes a time where I’m like, hold on… I don’t feel like the easygoing, empathetic, sensuous, nurturing, creative person I normally am, and wait… I’m wearing these rude track pants and rugby socks a lot, and I haven’t created anything beautiful this week! I can slip out of balance very easily, so what’s needed is a constant check-in with myself to listen carefully to the rattle in the gut, feel into the body ache, be aware of the internal frustration with something minor and definitely notice the reach for the thing outside myself that doesn’t serve me.
During my video call I received some love and attention from my big brother! This pleased my unhappy inner-child. I then put on music and danced, I moved my feminine hips to the music, let my spine spiral like a snake and sang high as I was showered in the beam of sun from the window on an otherwise grey day. Tears began to pour down my face as I smiled and then I experienced a deeper sob from the release of energy from my week, and an even deeper one for my childhood healing. I felt gratitude for the reconnection to this beautiful man, my bro! He was my protector from the dark growing up and my absolute soul mate that I’ve missed so much.
It’s in our childhood that we learn how to behave. Racist and sexist talk sickened me as a child. As a sensitive I knew then it wasn’t right. My masculine part that needs to protect was triggered by comments earlier this week. Rather than being centred and speaking from a balanced more feminine me that is strong, if not more effective, I choose to internalise and therefor created a whole week out of balance in my masculine. I know I will never win a battle against prejudice from jumping into a state which is not my authentic truth.
It feels important this healing that I did with my masculine relationship, with my male ancestors and with my brother this week. May you too open doors to unconditionally love your masculine back into balance.
Written by Justine Jamieson