Why hide jealousy?

 Someone wrote to me and asked if I had any advice on how to overcome jealousy as they felt it was hindering their romantic relationships. As a Scorpio (supposedly it’s a thing for Scorpios), my first thought was that I'm not experienced enough to write about this as I’m still exploring it myself. I soon realised that I’m exactly the person to be answering this query because I realise it’s not my responsibility to find what is right for others, but I can tell my story and personal findings. I am super grateful for this opportunity to explore jealousy. Here’s my open, raw blog written with just a touch of shame.

green eyes.jpg

I haven’t really wanted to write about jealousy before because it is a strong emotion that has been given a pretty bad wrap, you know the ‘the green eyed monster’ and all. The jealous woman has been someone I tried to avoid most of my life and in return I have become her many times. To me she feels nasty and horrid. I see this monster with sharpened fingernails, pressed lips, evil-don’t-fuck-with-me eyes and a venomous tongue. Lately I am understanding why I was scared to be authentic with those intense feelings. I’m now learning how to express them in a healthy way.

I think firstly we need to get clear on envy vs jealousy. Envy is a two-person situation a feeling of lack, that you want what someone has. Jealousy is a three-person situation, a reaction to the fear of losing something, usually someone. When we feel jealous, we are often envious as well. Jealousy can come with a myriad of other strong thoughts or feelings such as insecurity, anger, fear, lack, resentment, disgust and helplessness. Then, when it’s expressed, it can be followed up with a cocktail of guilt, shame, loss and regret. I have felt them all many times. In fact, I have done much counselling, reading and healing on lessening the charge of these energies in motion (e-motion). I’ve run away from getting intimately involved when I’ve felt these feelings arise as I couldn’t take ownership of them and nor could I express them. They became bottled up after experiencing how I, and my partners, have reacted in the past.

My earliest memory of jealousy was when I was 8 years old. My good-looking teacher that I had a crush on kissed my mum’s hand after sleeping at our house after an event. In the morning I stormed off in anger. I covered the emotion up by blaming it on mum hand-kiss cheating on my dad (cute). I remember my dad praising me for my loyalty, but at the same time laughing at my naivety. I then despised my teacher and was repulsed by him. I was no longer the teacher’s pet, nor did I friggon want to be as he had betrayed me and my family (I write that in an Italian mafia-type accent in my head).

In my teens I had an infatuated love affair with a guy that was in a relationship. I then moved in with him and his partner and continued the affair!! I won that one over, he left her for me. Afterwards I was very jealous inside but never expressed it to anyone as I was still the hidden girlfriend after his breakup.Then I found out that he had cheated on me for a year with two women. The guilt, regret and disgust consumed me. It made me feel worthless and I tried to end my life. In the ambulance I remember the shame throbbing through my veins. My heart, although broken with the shock of the news, was pumping heavy with regret that I had wronged. I thought that I was stupid and didn’t deserve to live. I carried this betrayal for many years. My thought was if I could do this then everyone could and no one was to be trusted. It left me bewildered and unclear.

I became hard and angry. I was attracted to men, but to me love was a seductive game because I hated men really. I didn’t know what love was. I got in relationships, then cheated and I convinced myself that this was what men did anyway. I then broke up with every man before they could do it and without blinking an eyelash I was off to the next game. I remember a significant event which brought my jealousy to a dramatic Jeremy Kyle Show level. An attractive young girl that knew my partner looked at him seductively one night when we were drinking. He looked back at her in the same way. I felt the spark and it triggered me to pour a whole bottle of alcohol over her head. I stared at her with so much hatred, it was like the ‘devil’ itself had taken over me. I then was so ashamed and couldn’t leave the house to socialise for months afterwards. The jealous feeling had got so strong that it ate away at the trust in the relationship, if there ever was any in the first place. Betrayal and mistrust overruled the love that was there and of course this relationship ended.

I was then single and on the other end of jealousy, where completely nasty rumours were made up about me from a woman that was jealous of me doing business with her partner. Again I felt shame and retreated back into my home, afraid to face what people would think of me.

Years on I was spiritually minded and exploring a conscious relationship within a beautiful, loving, tantra-practising relationship. He was a kind, free-spirited man that was infatuated with saving women. Those old feelings of jealousy arose and this time I discussed them calmly. Unfortunately he saw that as control and ended our relationship to be with someone else. I understood that my jealous anxiety was justified.

I was heart-broken as I had finally been able to express myself in what I saw as a healthy way. I then challenged myself to go on a dance retreat where he was the month after the breakup. He had an intimate situation with someone there. I lay in my bed frozen with my intuitive awareness, I had feelings of anger but most of all a feeling of being worthless and disrespected. I awoke early and walked into nature. I bowed on the dewy grass in the dark and prayed to some Tibetan-type statue - please help me to be able to cope with my intense feelings of sadness and resentment, I wish to forgive and live with unconditional love for myself and others.

Later that day we were paired to lead each other blindfolded into nature and be each other’s protector when the partner danced blindfolded. It was an exercise of trust. I was pleasantly surprised when in this forest where I was looking for a gorse bush - I found an electric fence, oopsy, my ex got himself tangled up and repeatedly electrocuted. Hey, I was brought up on a farm, I know if the voltage was too high for a human heart to withstand, I’m not that evil to seriously hurt anyone. Looking back now a healthy conversation would have been better, but a balls-out argument was what I felt I needed at that time obviously. After this experience my soulmate and I laughed together. There was a raw meeting of truth and love at a deeper level - a get-the-fuck-out-of-my-life-kind-of-love. It was sweet.

So, this leads me to giving advice on jealousy {she writes laughing}. On this day, 3 years later, I’m single. I want to be understood, I wish to be authentic and wish to explore an intimate relationship again. I don’t know if after this blog that guys will be lining up…but I believe authenticity is the sexiest thing ever! Some rad evolved guy is bound to think the same - I’m sure.

In this moment my beliefs around jealousy as with any other feeling is this - it mustn’t be locked up, it must be expressed healthily with no expectation of others to think or act the same as you.

Societies conditioning around expressing emotions; the TV shows that have entertained drama and shown unacceptable ways of coping with emotion; the lack of role models of loving, trustworthy relationships are all factors that affect how we perceive and act in the world now. Great news is that we have better self-awareness today as self-awareness has become cool. We continue to raise our energetic frequency and we understand that we are given life situations to release stored energy of past hurt and conditioned thought. This means we should welcome experiences where we are taught what isn’t in alignment with our true nature.

In any situation that isn’t in alignment you’ll feel a rising of a ‘darker’ emotion, some super charged depending on the depth of the pain. In that moment it is only your responsibility to find somewhere that you feel safe to let this emotion come as you watch it move through your body and the stories around it. After the emotion has flowed through and the charge is not vibin’ intensely you have a choice whether you wish to discuss your boundaries without any expectation of the outcome of the discussion; or maybe you feel it was something that you wish to explore by yourself; or with an emotionally intelligent and unbiased friend; or a paid professional.

You must know that you are unconditional love, so anything else that is playing out within your mind and body has been taught. You are not your thoughts, you are the watcher behind the screen. The universe/collective consciousness/god will always want you to be in alignment with authenticity. In that state we fit into our place in the world naturally. People and experiences will trigger you until a reaction ceases to exist and you are back in alignment.

To be authentic I think it’s important to be open and communicate our boundaries in relationships from the get-go. This is actually a work in progress for me but I know that these can change as we grow and trust more within the relationship. This is what I’ve observed in healthy relationships. When trust has been damaged maybe a renegotiation of boundaries needs to take place and checked in on regularly. I don’t believe in “once a cheater always a cheater.” Anyone that has had the awful experience of adulterating guilt from seeing how much they have hurt someone that they love, has a high chance of not wishing to make that decision again.

But remembering we cannot control another human being, only our own reactions to how they are, we must detach from any expectation of outcomes and just be true to ourselves consistently. People have free will and will leave whenever they wish, so what is the point of worrying about something that you have no control over? Put that energy into love. I always find that once I have clarity on how the other person is feeling it helps me understand and work out if I want to explore this more or if I feel it is not for me. Honest communication, even if it hurts, means that your depth of connection can grow together.

Being very intuitive myself I now understand that the rattle in my gut is my intuition telling me that something needs to be addressed. How I am perceiving things is not always exactly how it is. With so many time variables and depths of feeling it is easy to get things slightly skewiff, but for me there is always a touch of truth in the rattle.

Lately I’ve felt a tinge of jealousy come up where I felt there was a possessive energy by someone crowding my ability to connect with a guy that I liked. Usually I would just back away and allow that to pass, as I have been afraid to show this side of myself. This time I felt the want to explore the now fainter trigger within myself with the aim of potentially getting greater awareness to what is blocking me in allowing a romantic relationship into my life. I did it through dance. I challenged myself to delve into the emotions and thoughts. Below that small trigger there was some heavier emotions of anger, frustration and rivalry which I moved through my body with stomping and rapid movements. I also sensed a very masculine sexuality within which confused me. Then, when I tried to stop them, the shame and guilt set in as I went into the wrongness of me. I knew I wanted some help to get to the core as it was deeper than what I could see. I needed someone that was less judgmental of me, than I was of myself at the time. A male soulmate held space for me as I expressed anger, then there was an acceptance followed by a deep sadness of feeling unworthy of love. That I’m not enough as I am, that I am flawed. I thought that no one will ever love me again as I am old. Ha, interesting mind chat.

That sad little part of me needed attention and reassuring that I am enough and one day I will be loved romantically again. I needed to keep reminding myself how much I love every aspect of who I am. With that kind of love the triggers become weaker and the more we love ourselves the less what others are doing affects us. Don’t be afraid of any emotion. Just find a safe space to feel into it so you don’t add more into the mixing pot by reacting from a place that isn’t love.

It’s natural to feel inadequate sometimes. We may feel that others are more of something or have more of something. Our only job is to keep coming back to self and reminding ourselves that we are not broken, nor do we need to be fixed. The more we do that, the more we attract respect, we understand others and live more in an unconditional love state of being. Jealousy and envy are feelings and feelings need to be felt. Everything is happening perfectly, I trust in the unfolding me and I am enough just as I am now - as are you.

By Justine Jamieson