When you stop struggling!
By Justine Jamieson
Lately, I’ve felt detached from everything that I ever believed in. By detached I mean from loved ones, my business, my health and the universe itself. After feeling the most amazing bliss state of love and divine connection, to 4 days later the shock confusion of heartbreak, to 4 days later a Kundalini experience of bliss and hope, to 2 days later purging grief of past trauma of this lifetime and other lifetimes. My hands now out, STOP! It’s all too much, I need kind, gentle experiences.
The constant struggling to hold on to anything or anyone around me has left me on my knees feeling alone watching as my ego is abruptly broken down. Friends, professionals, clients, family and absolute strangers have seen me at my most vulnerable. Every time I gather up my ego it gets kicked away again and stomped on. What’s left? A naked spirit too fragile and different to live in the “real” world.
My last 11 days have consisted of nightmares of me killing myself, others killing me, to me sliding down a cliff face, clasping at grasses falling to my death into the wild ocean. Then tears as I wake, I try to mask negativity by placing positive thoughts in my head for motivation and I force tasteless food into my now tiny adrenaline filled 45kg frame. Being a single business woman the stress of surviving financially swirls around my head, so fight or flight mode kicks in as I switch to fiery brave woman, I head out to do what was always easy to me and I am met with roadblocks of epic proportions and I’m left gobsmacked with more judgements from a stranger, telling me who she believes I am. I realise the universe has some different plans for me this week. My negative thoughts consist of old wounds of limiting beliefs that there is nothing right with me, mixed with any “mistake” I believe I’ve made and any negative words people have said to me of late and the patterns they make with words from my past. Like a good wee light worker, I search for the teachings of how I am bringing this on myself (she says hesitantly with a hint of sarcasm).
The analysis of all these words and actions and the solutions of how I’m going to fix myself, and get myself out of this hole have left me exhausted and have taken their toll on my body. I feel like I can’t even open my mouth to speak up or stand up for myself thinking I may act in a way that is not in kindness, so of course my throat is now swollen and infected from not being able to communicate how my ego wants. After listening to a podcast about a very successful spiritual teacher Gabrielle Bernstein and author of a best-selling self-help book The Universe Has Your Back, I realised that I can be authentic and accept what I am going through. I’ve finally given in and accepted I don’t have anything left to give at this point of time, any professional advice I have been given I can’t even process in this state of mind, I will have to get back to it later. I accept I don’t have the answers and I surrender to my meltdown of epic proportions.
I pray – “I trust that the answers will come in time, I am now willing to surrender to the universe to take over and help me with my new life while I rest”.
I never realised how quick you can drop into a breakdown, this is a darkness that I had no idea I’d ever be in even 4 weeks ago. I decided to share my story in the hope that others that are struggling may find comfort and release from the vulnerable words I write. That even someone that owns a well-being business, and a woman that writes books on self-help can slip into not knowing what to do. I know that the other side of spiritual shifts there are amazing insights, personal growth and wonderful new abilities and awareness and compassion of others. You are only ever given what you can handle, but it does take bravery to look inside. It is the only way to true happiness to be conscious of what is playing out in your world and to realise how your subconscious beliefs affect outcomes in your reality.
Something may have again just happened to you and it maybe time to say you’ve had enough of the patterns that continually play out in your life, now maybe the time to look deeper at the friggin annoying bloody core of it. One thing’s for damn sure you can’t "busy" away your pain forever, you can’t over exercise your pain away, you can’t blame and attack others for your pain, nor can you try and fix or rescue other people to make you feel better, or over eat/starve your pain away. The only way is through, feel it, own it and surrender to it.
My soul honours anyone that has been strong enough to feel, and those that are kind, understanding, gentle and don’t judge or compare other’s pain.
(Founder of Lustre Collective)